Dear Baby Girl,
I've been meaning to write this for a while now. If I don't write it soon, I will forget all that has come of you in the past few months. And boy, do you have a story behind you! I can't wait to meet you. I have a feeling you may have a strong little personality.
We decided we wanted a 3rd little one in our family a long time ago and this summer was the timing we thought would be good. Thankfully, I got pregnant right away (after I had to have surgery, but that's a whole other story for another day.... hurdle one though!) Since I had the surgery, they were watching my blood levels more than normal since I was at high risk for an ectopic pregnancy (you would have been in my tube, not in my uterus).
I was about 6 weeks pregnant when school started and on the first day of school back to teaching full time this year, I started bleeding. I left school early and went to the doctor where they told me I was most likely miscarrying, but to come back and get blood work in a few days to see. They did an ultrasound and it was too early to see a fetal sac so they couldn't tell me anything.
I keep teaching and stopped bleeding for the most part. I went in for lots of blood tests every few days and my hcg levels were doubling. (That is what is supposed to happen and when the hcg levels are around 2000 or something, they said they should be able to see a fetal sac).
It is all a blur, but I went back for another check and saw another doctor from the first and a nurse. I was bleeding again. They did an ultrasound and again said I was most likely miscarrying. Just to wait and most likely I'd bleed some more and I would know it had happened. The nurse did say she had seen stranger things and maybe things would be ok. I kind of had hope. But was beginning to wonder. And wasn't sure what to think or how to feel. I felt a little crazy. I had told people I was pregnant. Then I was miscarrying. But not really since it hadn't happened. I told one friend I was becoming her most dramatic undramatic friend!
Still no miscarriage. I went in to yet another doctor with my hcg levels at 12,000 so there should have been a little baby in there at that point. He did the ultrasound and said it was a blighted ovum.... (a sac, but no fetus). I had hope, but after that and after his suggestion of and D & C or pills to miscarry, I guessed my feeling that everything would be ok was over. I told him I wanted to wait and miscarry on my own.
I went to work every day and was anxious I would start bleeding in a room full of 8 year olds. I had stopped bleeding and just didn't feel quite right. I knew you were still in there. I went to get my blood tested again. The doctor's office called and said they needed to see me right away. My hcg levels were something like 48,000 and that wasn't right since they had diagnosed a blighted ovum. Something must be wrong. So I rushed out of school to the radiology department, not the doctor's office. It was an ultrasound tech and not a doctor. I told her what was going on and she was quiet. She did the ultrasound for what felt like hours and didn't say a peep. I wasn't sure if she was allowed to say anything or not. In the end, she turned the screen to me and showed me a little bean (you) and a flicker of a heartbeat. Wow. You were in there all along. Like I had prayed. Like lots of people who love you had prayed.
All of that happened in a few weeks of time, and as it turned out you measured a couple weeks behind what you should have been. So I thought I was 8 weeks pregnant, but now they said I was only 6 weeks. Not too long after, I started to feel queasy and threw up most days. You were by far my worst pregnancy. I was pretty sure you were a boy since I was sick with your brother. That theory is not true apparently.
The next few months went by uneventfully minus the puke.
That week at school when I was teaching reading, I felt you move. It was earlier than Grady and Lainey, but since I knew what it felt like, I knew it was you. That same week on Saturday night when you were 16 weeks in my tummy. I woke up in bed and lots of blood was everywhere. I had to call Grandma and Grandpa since dad was at a football game. We went to the ER, dad met us there. The doctor said I was either miscarrying or had a subchorionic hemorrhage. We waited and waited. I was so sad. I thought we'd made it past the scary stuff. Sixteen weeks is supposed to be past the point most people miscarry. Grandma and Grandpa came to the ER. We sat in silence. Finally, they did an ultrasound and there you were again. Moving all around. Happy as can be. Wow.
A week later we went in for your big ultrasound and found out you were a baby girl. I couldn't be happier. You caused a lot of stress, but I never knew I could love something I've never met so much.
April 15th can't get here soon enough.
Well, that was longer than I thought it would be. But I had to get it out. You have quite a little story and you're not even here yet. I love you.
